Give Up On Love. Try Loving Instead.

May 4 2019

You’ve got it. Now give it.

If we’re honest, I think we’re all raised believing that “love” is a thing you can get.

It’s become a point in our society even, right?

There are SO many advertisements trying to sell us a diamond-studded cologne or an ornate heart necklace for Valentine’s Day.

And just because you hate cologne or think neck jewelry feels like a hair trapped under your shirt doesn’t mean you’re safe from this, either. Maybe you think there’s love in chocolate. Or tacos. Hell, maybe all you crave is attention.

The point is that love has become a “thing.”

You could go and get it.

A person could give it to you.

But I don’t agree with that.

There’s a problem with the way people think about love. If you can get it, you’ll be happy. If you don’t, you’ll be sad. If you failed, then you should try again.

But what if we’re thinking about it backwards?

What if we already have all the love we could ever want or need?

What if the point isn’t to get love, but to give it away?

Just TRY to get love.

I dare you.

This is kind of a trick on my part, because I personally think that searching for love will destroy your life, but then you’ll come right back here for answers. And, yeah, that’s good for me, but very much bad for you.

But if you don’t want to do that, then think about this:

What if you were to ask someone for love?

Can you imagine that? It would be so awkward, right?

“Hi Mom/Dad/Significant Other/Strange… can I please have some love?”

After an eye roll, or a scoff, or a facepalm, they might take you aside and say “Look, hon… that’s … um… That’s not how this works, okay? It’s a give-to-get type of thing.”

And they are absolutely right.

Let’s take dogs, for example.

You can’t even get consistent love from a dog unless you’re feeding and petting and grooming and caring for and loving that dog.

But even dogs understand the give-to-get thing I’m talking about here. They will absolutely SHOWER you in kisses and licks and excitement and love, because they know — at their most base level they know this — that if they give you love then you’re more likely to love them back.

If you’re feeling very alone — or, rather, very lonely, because they’re different — you might read this and say “Shit, I can NEVER get love? Well that just makes me feel WORSE!”

And I’m sorry for making you feel worse.

But the truth is that there’s something better.

Try loving someone.

Now I’m for-realsies daring you.

If you have a spouse, or a roommate, or a pet, just take a few minutes and try to love them. Figure out something that would be nice to do for them, and go make their day.

Take out the trash. Wash their car. Compliment their outfit. Give them a treat. Surprise them with a hug. Listen to them talk about their day. Just do something for them.

It’ll feel awesome, I promise.

And if you can’t think of anyone for you to love, then find a stranger! Stand on a corner and give out compliments. Help an old person with their groceries. Volunteer at the shelter. Give a cigarette to a dirty bum. ANYthing!

The big thing here is that it FEELS good to DO good, which is WAY better than GETTING love, because it’s within your control.

No one can diminish how it feels for you to help them out. And that’s different from expecting help from others, because it’s easy to feel ungrateful when someone is doing YOU a favor. It’s MUCH more difficult to feel bad about yourself when you’re trying to be kind to someone else.

Babies: A case study.

What do mother’s say about their newborns more than anything else?

From my polling, the top three responses are:

“He’s a little shit-machine,”
“I wish she would let me sleep for more than 10 minutes,” and
“I love my kid more than life itself.”

But why? Babies can’t even DO anything. They just WANT WANT WANT for hours on end. They torture their parents, their neighbors, other babies, pets, and the world around them at-large. They scream when they’re not getting what they need, and they whine even when things are fine.

In both a literal and metaphorical sense, babies. suck.

But if you ask any parent, they’ll tell you that their child is the best thing that has ever happened to them. Babies bring SO MUCH happiness to the people around them.

People think that they care for their child because they love them.

But I think people love their child BECAUSE they care for them.

When someone says they love their kid more than life itself, it’s usually because they actually do. They literally spend more time loving their child than they spend loving themselves.

Evidence:

Hungry parents, well-fed babies.
Stinky parents, clean kids.
Sleep-deprived parents, napping children.

The list goes on. And on. And on.

Something interesting happens when we start try TO love instead of GET love.

And it’s that we end up getting love anyway.

Think about it:

Someone is nice to you. For as long as you’ve known them, they’ve made you feel wanted and they’ve made you feel valuable. What are you gonna do?

You’re gonna try to do the same thing for them.

But if you try to “beat them to the punch,” then it doubles the effect. You get the incredible feel-good vibes of being loving, and then you get the incredible return of feeling loved as they try to love you.

When we shift our focus from “getting love” to “giving love”, our lives change.

We are no longer waiting.

We are actively looking for ways to make someone else’s life better.

As we do, it actively makes us happier, too.

Because you know what?

You’re full of love.

You just need somewhere to put it.

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